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unforgiveness

UNFORGIVENESS

It’s Sunday morning and everyone else is asleep.  It’s the best time for me to get some quiet time with my coffee and book.  Today I decided to take my Bible outside with a devotional to read today before my book.  I have a paper taped to the front of my Bible with a Month of Prayers for your children.  Basically, each day has a verse and a specific thing to pray about for your children.  Everybody struggles from time to time and lately both my kids have struggled with something. Something that I couldn’t fix as a parent or even help with.  People have hurt them and all I can do is pray about the situation and have faith that God had it all under control.  Today I went over every single day.  Every single topic. Every single verse.  I even wrote some down that stood out to me.  I get to the 30th and the verse is Ephesians 4:31-32

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with other forms of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.

Well….somehow while praying for my kids I became the one that needed this the most.  I have been holding onto unforgiveness.  Someone hurt my kids and I am mad.  I am hurt for them and I have been holding onto that for weeks, months maybe.  Today I realized it was killing me literally.  I have literally been holding this inside and letting to fester and eat me away from the inside out.  I am not this person.  Those of you that truly know me and my heart know that I promote love.  Love for everyone.  I promote encouragement and try to encourage and lift people up everywhere I go.  I am not a person with hate and rage.  I am not a person that holds grudges.  I am not a person that holds onto anger.  But lately that has been me.  I haven’t quite been myself both mentally, spiritually and emotionally for a while now and today it all came to the surface.

I tell you all this because today I was overtaken by emotion after reading that verse and realized that I was doing just the opposite of that and I had bitterness, rage, anger and malice in my heart.  All of these. I’m embarrassed to even type that out for a blog with the title All the Things (with Love).  I was not loving these people at all.  I was anger and hurt and I was holding onto that and making myself sick.

I’m not saying all this to be a martyr or to get any comments about how brave I am or how “you’re a better woman than me”  I say it to remind you all that unforgiveness is disease and it can literally kill you.  It can eat away at your soul and change you as a person.  A person you do not want to be.

So today I made a choice…continue with this mindset or choose to forgive and release myself from the poison.  I chose to take care of myself.  To take care of my heart and my soul and take care of my mind and body.  I chose me.  I chose to take back my heart and soul from the disease and take back my mind from the storm that was turning into a full blown hurricane/tsunami/other really bad weather thingy.

I chose forgiveness.

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Slow Down

I know what you are all thinking…another blog post about how we are all supposed to slow down our lives and try to savor each moment.  Well you are right!!  I was sitting in a hospital waiting room the other night and this concept of slowing down kind of came to me.  I wrote my thoughts down at the time like I usually do but they never quite made it to this blog.  Anyway is this concept unattainable? For some I think it is.  Maybe for myself because my life is really not my own most days.  As a mom of four, mostly teenagers, I don’t usually dictate what my day is going to look like or even what my week is going to look like because it’s usually scheduled out for me.  Practices and games.  School functions and meetings.  Work outside the home and inside the home.  Deadlines and such.  We are all so busy as moms because our life is not our own and we just strive to get everyone where they are supposed to be when they are supposed to be there.  I will have to say for those mommas with littles it does slow down some when you have a new driver in the family.  But that poses a whole different set of stresses because you are worried sick that they are okay out there without you.  That they aren’t in a ditch somewhere with their car turned upside down.  Slow down you say??  Maybe for some of us that is only a fleeting thought as we hop in the car to take this one to practice and the other to a friend’s house only to make that same circle again in a few hours.  There are times that we do slow down and enjoy each other around the dinner table and there are seasons during the year where this is a regular thing.  But there are also seasons where it’s like our door is one of those revolving where one or two of us goes in while one or two others goes out and this lasts for weeks on end.  We travel in different directions for different activities and occasionally we all meet up at the same place at the same time.  For now I will take it because there is no chance of a slow down here with all the things to do and places to go to but eventually there will be a day that I wake up and there will be no one to take to their game or practice, no one to school or meetings.  They will have lives of their own and eventually they will be taking their own littles and bigs to things.  It’s all part of the circle of life even though sometimes that circle seems like the swirling of a toilet bowl or better yet a tornado.  I’ll just hang on for the tornado ride right now.  I have always heard that there a calm after the storm too.