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unforgiveness

UNFORGIVENESS

It’s Sunday morning and everyone else is asleep.  It’s the best time for me to get some quiet time with my coffee and book.  Today I decided to take my Bible outside with a devotional to read today before my book.  I have a paper taped to the front of my Bible with a Month of Prayers for your children.  Basically, each day has a verse and a specific thing to pray about for your children.  Everybody struggles from time to time and lately both my kids have struggled with something. Something that I couldn’t fix as a parent or even help with.  People have hurt them and all I can do is pray about the situation and have faith that God had it all under control.  Today I went over every single day.  Every single topic. Every single verse.  I even wrote some down that stood out to me.  I get to the 30th and the verse is Ephesians 4:31-32

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with other forms of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.

Well….somehow while praying for my kids I became the one that needed this the most.  I have been holding onto unforgiveness.  Someone hurt my kids and I am mad.  I am hurt for them and I have been holding onto that for weeks, months maybe.  Today I realized it was killing me literally.  I have literally been holding this inside and letting to fester and eat me away from the inside out.  I am not this person.  Those of you that truly know me and my heart know that I promote love.  Love for everyone.  I promote encouragement and try to encourage and lift people up everywhere I go.  I am not a person with hate and rage.  I am not a person that holds grudges.  I am not a person that holds onto anger.  But lately that has been me.  I haven’t quite been myself both mentally, spiritually and emotionally for a while now and today it all came to the surface.

I tell you all this because today I was overtaken by emotion after reading that verse and realized that I was doing just the opposite of that and I had bitterness, rage, anger and malice in my heart.  All of these. I’m embarrassed to even type that out for a blog with the title All the Things (with Love).  I was not loving these people at all.  I was anger and hurt and I was holding onto that and making myself sick.

I’m not saying all this to be a martyr or to get any comments about how brave I am or how “you’re a better woman than me”  I say it to remind you all that unforgiveness is disease and it can literally kill you.  It can eat away at your soul and change you as a person.  A person you do not want to be.

So today I made a choice…continue with this mindset or choose to forgive and release myself from the poison.  I chose to take care of myself.  To take care of my heart and my soul and take care of my mind and body.  I chose me.  I chose to take back my heart and soul from the disease and take back my mind from the storm that was turning into a full blown hurricane/tsunami/other really bad weather thingy.

I chose forgiveness.

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